


give me all of you.

by sylvir_lining



Category: Good Game (TV 2017)
Genre: (if you want something done sometimes you just gotta do it yourself), (this is so goddamn self-indulgent), Body Image, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kissing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, addiction (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-03 19:24:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20458223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylvir_lining/pseuds/sylvir_lining
Summary: Alex loves Ryland. Ryland doesn't get it.





	give me all of you.

“Do you mind?”

Alex lifted his head up off of Ryland’s shoulder. “Hm?”

Ryland gently pulled his arm out of Alex’s grasp. He shot Alex a look, then turned his attention back to the TV screen. 

Casual gaming nights were simple. When Alex and Ryland were away from their duties as members of an up-and-coming esports team, they took time to themselves. They had recently decided to experiment with… a more _intimate_ relationship. Privately, of course. It was still something that they were getting used to, but at least they had a relatively stable friendship to build off of. This didn't mean they never realized their stark differences.

To put it simply, Alex was always a more romantic person, while Ryland was… not.

Luckily, they knew this from the start. They still tried their very hardest to make this experience work. It was a bit strange, the two of them would admit. Despite the awkward newness, it felt... right. Somehow. It was like they were destined to be in this very position together, but they couldn't get over themselves quick enough to enjoy it. They were in some sort of anti-honeymoon phase where every interaction felt oddly forced. They knew each other so well, but this was so foreign that it felt like interacting with a stranger.

"Sorry, man," Alex muttered, holding his hands up in defense. He sat up properly and moved ever-so-slightly away from Ryland. God, Alex was _trying_ to make this work. At this moment in time, he felt like he never knew how to reach out to Ryland in the first place.

Alex let his attention drop from the game Ryland was playing for a while. He heard a quiet, "_Shit_," and was snapped out of his daze. Ryland's character had died... again. He tossed the controller aside and rubbed his hands up and down his face.

“D’you want me to look up a walkthrough?” Alex asked.

“Nah,” Ryland mumbled. “The platforming’s just god awful.” He let his hands fall to his lap as he stared exhausted at the main menu on the screen.

“You did what you can do, Ry,” Alex said. He instinctively patted Ryland’s hand, but made the odd choice to let it… rest there. Ryland huffed out a laugh and shook his head. He took Alex’s hand in his own. A content smile appeared on his face for just a moment. Alex lifted his gaze towards Ryland just quickly enough to see his soft grin.

Ryland seemed comfortable.

“We can call it a night if you want,” Alex offered, gently squeezing Ryland’s hand.

Ryland released his grip on Alex’s hand and picked up the controller. He started turning off the game. “Yeah. Head’s killing me.”

Alex smiled, eyes filled with mischief and adoration. With his hands now free, he reached up to the band holding Ryland’s hair back and gently tugged it off and around his wrist. He ran his fingers through Ryland’s long hair.

“Maybe that’ll help?” Alex giggled.

Ryland furrowed his brows, but still shot a playful smirk Alex’s direction. Alex, naturally, had a big, dopey smile on his face. Ryland shook his head and laughed softly.

“You’re so weird.”

“Am I? I’m trying to be cute.”

A shining look of contentment was still on Ryland's face, his eyes locked on Alex’s. He sighed.

“You really did mean it, huh?”

“Mean what?”

Ryland looked down to his hands, smile pressing into a line.

“You meant it when you said you love me?”

Alex’s eyes went wide for a moment. “Uh… Yeah. Of course.”

_Was there any question?_ Alex thought he made himself clear in the most cheesy way possible the night he admitted to Ryland that he was desperately, stupidly in love. It came as a shock, definitely, to both of them when Alex finally poured his heart out. This probably didn't help things... Did they move too quickly? How else were they supposed to handle something like this?

“I know this is still weird, but I really do… _love_ you,” Alex reassured.

Ryland forced a small grin and nodded. Alex studied Ryland’s face for a moment. He knew his best friend. He knew there was something wrong.

“Is this not what you want?”

Ryland quickly turned his attention back to Alex. "I..." He broke eye contact again. He scrunched up his face, debating on what to say. He shut his eyes and spoke again, words strained. "I think I want this. I just... don't know if I can trust myself."

Alex cocked his head. "What do you mean?" He lifted his hand to place comfortingly on Ryland's thigh, but he stopped halfway, knowing Ryland's distaste for physical contact. He thought he'd better not make this harder than it already seems to be.

"You know how fucked up I am already," Ryland mumbled. "You've lived with me. You've _dealt_ with me. I don't wanna mess up something decent while trying to be something better."

Alex put on a small pout. "You won't mess things up. Not any more than I will, at least." Ryland turned to him, desperate exhaustion in his eyes. Alex cleared his throat. "Look, if we get into a bad spot, we'll get into it _and_ out of it together, right? Just like we always have." He nudged Ryland's arm.

Ryland thought in silence for a moment. Alex couldn't quite place what was going on in his head. He knew Ryland had a dodgy past and still dealt with some issues in ways that were considerably less than healthy. But, hey, so did Alex. They both hit some roadblocks. They both had their fair share of low moments. Sure, this was a new phase in their relationship that could open up new opportunities for some emotional vulnerability, but Alex didn't see any harm in that. They'd be by each other's side just like always. What was Ryland so worried about?

"Why do you love me?" Ryland finally spoke.

Alex was taken aback. "What?"

Ryland sighed, annoyed. "I'm not really the loveable type, man. I'm a... stubborn douchebag that peaked in high school."

"Alright, let's back up," Alex started. He shifted to face Ryland and held out his hands, palms up, for Ryland to take. Ryland got the memo and complied, rolling his eyes. Alex continued. "Yes, you're _very_ fucking stubborn. Sure, you might have done some life-changing shit when you were a kid. That doesn't mean you aren't great today." 

He looked into Ryland's eyes sweetly and squeezed Ryland's hands. Alex watched as Ryland's face melted softly. Yeah... Alex was _really_ in love with him. Very much so. Without a doubt. God, it pained him to see Ryland not believe him.

"Kiss?" Alex asked.

Ryland laughed softly and ducked his head down. He looked back up to Alex with a genuine smile and nodded.

Alex freed one of his hands to hold Ryland's chin between his index finger and his thumb. He pulled Ryland in for a simple, chaste kiss. Ryland pulled back first- a little quicker than Alex would've liked, but he wanted his best friend to be comfortable. Clearly, there was something making Ryland uneasy. Alex thought that he might be able to help work with Ryland to get rid of this doubt...

"Why do I love you?" Alex asked himself aloud. He still had one hand in Ryland's, one hand lightly resting under Ryland's chin. "Well, for starters, you're the one person I trust more than anyone." 

Ryland lowered his head, leaning into Alex's touch. "You should meet more people," he said. There was still a soft smirk on his face, but it was growing a bit sad.

"I'm perfectly fine with _this_ person, thank you very much," Alex stated firmly. He moved his hand to cup Ryland's left cheek. He brushed his thumb along it as he spoke. "After all, I'd hardly find someone as beautiful."

"Shut up," Ryland giggled.

"I'm serious!" Alex fired back. "You're... You're just a handsome guy."

“I mean, sure, if you’re into greasy fatasses.”

“Do you need me to spell out everything for you? Jesus Christ, Ryland!" He giggled, then started to look Ryland over. Alex shook his head. "Your eyes… Fucking gorgeous.”

“They’re the same color as yours.”

“They suit you better,” Alex said with a shrug. “Your hair is beautiful, no matter how you wear it. It’s always smooth... and actually smells good most of the time.”

“...Thanks.”

“You have… the prettiest face; the prettiest smile. Your nose is cute as hell, too.” Alex punctuated his statement with a quick peck to the tip of Ryland’s nose. He pulled back. “And then… Jesus, your fucking _arms_, man!”

“What?” Ryland laughed awkwardly.

Alex firmly held onto Ryland’s shoulders. “I _know_ you don’t work out. But, holy fuck, you have these _guns_, dude!”

Ryland let out a genuine laugh- probably the best one Alex had heard in a while. Alex worked his way down one of Ryland’s arms and started to pull up one of Ryland’s long sleeves. He stopped in his tracks, though.

“Can I?” He looked directly at Ryland. His laughter had stopped, and his smile was slowly fading. Alex received a nod of approval.

Alex warily continued to lift up Ryland's sleeve to his elbow. On the inside of Ryland's forearm, Alex saw the light, jagged, raised-up lines that disrupted the smooth skin. The two had talked about Ryland's past habits before, but it still hurt to face directly. Alex glanced up to Ryland, who looked down to his scars with a feigned calmness. They finally met eyes, to which Alex responded with a reassuring smile before leaning down and pressing gentle kisses to Ryland's arm.

Ryland swore he felt his heart rate double.

"Strong..." Alex muttered. He kept moving up Ryland's arm. "Every part of you is so strong."

He reached the end of Ryland's forearm and finally wrapped him into a desperate, loving hug. Alex felt Ryland hesitate before melting into the embrace. _Shit_. Alex hoped this wasn't taking things too far out of Ryland's comfort zone.

“Sorry if this is too much touching.”

It was a moment before Ryland croaked out a soft, “It’s okay.”

Alex snuggled deeper into Ryland. “So… big and strong. Soft… Warm…”

“You can just say I’m fat, dude.”

Alex pulled back and looked Ryland directly in the eyes, mere inches away from his face. He cupped Ryland’s face in his hands. “Beautiful.”

Ryland averted his eyes and grumbled.

Alex let out an exaggerated groan of his own. “You’re really gonna make me tell you how much I love every last bit of you, huh?” He had already repositioned himself to straddle Ryland’s hips before Ryland could stammer out a protest. 

“Oh, my God,” Ryland said, exasperated, hands covering his face. “Lex, please.”

“No, no,” Alex giggled. “I know you're all whatever about mushy stuff, physical contact, all that shit. But you've gotta listen to me, baby."

Ryland pouted but stared Alex down with expectant eyes.

Alex placed his hands on Ryland's hips and squeezed gently. "It doesn't matter to me what you look like. I wanted to go off on a whole tangent about how you've helped me out of so many shitty spots in my life; how you basically took me in when I was _so fucking hopeless_, and probably two weeks from OD-ing or something." He held eye contact with Ryland as he continued. "I know you're insecure about a lot of shit, and it really hurts me- not in a way that I blame you or anything, but I want to help you. I want you to know that I'll love you no matter what. You'd have to be a way shittier person for me to absolutely hate your guts, Ry."

Ryland sighed and let himself relax, shutting his eyes. Alex held Ryland's face with his right hand, to which Ryland responded by leaning into his touch. 

"You're more to me than the problems we can work on together. You're more to me than your looks. _So_ much more." Alex stared at Ryland's truly calm face, feeling butterflies go wild in his stomach. Ryland... _Truly_ calm. "I'll love every part of you anyway."

Ryland opened his eyes and lifted his gaze to meet Alex's eyes. 

"I'm gonna mess this up," Ryland muttered.

"And I'll be right there to help you fix things."

Something unexpected happened. _Ryland_ started to lean in. _Ryland_ initiated a kiss. That was it. Something just clicked in both of their heads, and they knew that they could do this. They could fucking do this.

Alex didn't want to push Ryland too far. It had been a bit of an emotional night. He kept things gentle. He wrapped his hands around Ryland; one behind his neck, one around his waist. This moment was different from the one they were just in. There was no awkwardness. There was only a tinge of fear that came with a brand new relationship, but it was almost exciting. This didn't feel forced. Everything fit into place. Everything was in sync. _They_ were in sync. 

Finally.

_Finally_.

**Author's Note:**

> whOOP HERE IT IS.
> 
> i've been meaning to post something on here for a while and it's currently 7am. i haven't slept and i'm finally done with this damn one-shot. the pacing could've been better imo but hey i'm tired and thirsty for content and i bet you are too so cut me some slack.
> 
> also, happy belated birthday to good game!! it's been two years since this show first was released, but it's only been a few months since i finally watched it and fell in love with its stupid charm. and hey now i've met some cool people from it!
> 
> hope you all enjoyed this little work. i'll be posting more soon? maybe??
> 
> find me on my socials in the meantime!  
twitter: sylvirlining  
tumblr: ballbanger96
> 
> thanks for reading  
\- sylvir (they/him)


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